Ralph's rant
by Lucyinthesky1996
Summary: Ralph is getting sick of the island and has a few things to rant about. Jack/Ralph and Simon/Roger
1. Shelters

"That's it. I'm _sick_ of this!"

"Sick of what?"

"Working all the time! I work all day and _never_ get any appreciation for it!"

"We _all_ have to work Ralph"

"Yeah, but _I_ get all the hard jobs!"

"Like _what_ exactly?"

"The cleaning, the washing, I have to feed you all…"

"Well you're the only one who actually _knows_ how to cook around here"

"And where are _you_ when all this is happening? Running after pigs all day!"

"We need meat Ralph"

"What we _need_ is shelter"

"Well build some more shelters then!"

"It's not as easy as it looks you know! Honestly, I do all the work while you go gallivanting off into the forest screaming blue murder! I'm busy all day with no one but _Simon_ – then you come home and you don't even _notice_ the shelters!"

"I work too!"

"But you_ like_ your work! You enjoy yourself hunting. All _I_ ever do is cook the pigs, wash the clothes and take care of the little ones"

"You_ like_ taking care of the little ones"

"Not when they go running off with those spears you made them and destroy the shelters I've been working on all day"

"Ralph-"

"I'm not having it anymore Jack. I mean, do I_ look_ like a housewife to you?"

"Well you can lose the apron for a start..."


	2. Parenthood

"Anyone in here?"

"Oh hello Piggy, it's you"

"You found a cave then?"

"Yeah, guess it was easier than using the shelters"

"Where's Jack?"

"Hunting – _again_"

"You really need to do something about him Ralph, it's not fair him making you do all the work"

"Trust me, I'm used to it"

"Yeah I know but it's still wrong. He should pull his weight about a bit, wash some clothes, maybe cook his own pigs once in a while-"

"Just a second Piggy. Percival, honey! Don't touch the strange lizard, it might bite! Sorry about that, you were saying Piggy?"

"What did he say?"

"Who?"

"Percival. What did he say just then?"

"He said, yes mummy"

"Mummy?"

"Yes. M-U-M-M-Y, get it?"

"Why on-?"

"It's complicated"

"I see. So I suppose they call Jack "daddy" then?"

"Yep"

"You're getting the hand of this parent thing aren't you?"

"Well someone has to keep the little ones in line. Otherwise they'll run amok. But it's a _nightmare_ Piggy, I'm telling you. SamnEric are such fussy eaters, I practically have to _drag_ Peter to have a bathe and don't even get me _started_ on Bill! God, I'm beginning to understand how grown ups feel!"

"It'll get easier Ralph. And who knows. Maybe we'll get rescued soon and you'll have your hands free"

"I hope so Piggy. I hope so. I guess it isn't _all_ that bad. We have nice weather, plenty of food and each other's compan- _SAM!_ Put your brother down this minute! Bill, go and stand in the corner! Percival put that back, you know it's not yours! Tom, stop bloody crying!"


	3. Unfaithfulness

"JACK MERRIDEW!"

"What is it now?"

"We need to talk"

"About what?"

"About us!"

"What about us?"

"Stop asking questions. It's just not working Jack, I slave away all day in the cave, washing your clothes and cooking your god forsaken pigs and working my fingers to the bone – and what do I get for it? A "well done Ralph"? A pat on the back? Even a kiss on the cheek? Oh no, I get _nothing_, nothing at all"

"Ralph, if you wanted a kiss on the cheek all you had to do was ask"

"See? Now I have to ask _permission_ for a measly affectionate gesture! What is it about me that you find so unattractive Jack? Is it my hips? Are they too small for you or something?"

"Ralph-"

"Am I not as pretty as I used to be? I know I've aged a little since we arrived on this island but it's only been a few months!"

"Ralph, baby-"

"Don't give me that "baby" talk. Don't think I haven't noticed you flirting with Simon lately. Having those little private giggles with him whenever my back is turned, watching that cute little arse of his whenever he walks by. I don't blame you; he's younger _and_ fitter"

"Ralph-"

"I don't ask for much from you Jack. All I ask is for you to love me and be faithful to me but if you'd rather dump me for a younger slut then that's fine. We're over. I want the house key back. I get the kids-"

"_Ralph_"

"What...what was that?"

"A kiss"

"That's it? A little kiss on the cheek?"

"Alright, fine. There, how was that?"

"Mmm…okay. I guess you're forgiven"

"Great…hold on a minute"

"What's wrong?"

"We don't have a house key…we don't even have a _house_…"


	4. Marriage

"We should get married"

"..._what_?"

"We should get married"

"Jack Merridew, I think you've been in the sun too long"

"I mean it. We're a proper couple now, we have our own cave, we have our own kids – sort of - so it's only right that we get married"

"I know but…but we've only known each other a few months. I mean, we sort of knew each other at school but it's only recently that we became official. And marriage is a big thing Jack. That means spending the rest of our _lives_ together. I mean, I do love you a lot but it seems a little...soon. And what about the other's, what will they say? They hate me enough as it is and don't tell me they don't Jack because I've seen those snide looks they give me-"

"Ralph, you're ranting"

"Oh yeah, sorry…but come on Jack, I'm only _twelve_!"

"It's always best to tie the knot when you're still young and beautiful"

"What will our _parents_ say?"

"They may never find out. We may never get off this god forsaken island. In fact we'll probably grow old here and die – there's no need to look at me like that Ralph, you know it's true"

"I forgot how optimistic you were Jack"

"I'm just saying…I _love_ you Ralph…and I want to be with you forever"

"Are you okay Jack? You've gone bright red"

"Look, I'm not used to all this sentimental stuff. So what do you say? Do you want to get married?"

"Well…I guess so…"

"Great. Oh wait, I forgot"

"Jack, what are you doing?"

"Stand up Ralph, we have to do this properly"

"Jack-"

"Give me your hand"

"Why are you on one knee-?"

"Ralph…something Finnegan, will you do the honour of marrying me?"

"Why yes, Jack something Merridew, I'd love to"

"Well now that's out of the way, I'm hungry. Fancy a hunting trip?"

"But wait, what will we do for a ring? You can't get married without a ring"

"Well I guess we'll just have to…wait, hold on a minute"

"Jack? What are you doing to your spear?"

"Making a ring for you. All I need is a little bit of wood, carve it into a circle and…there you are"

"It's lovely Jack"

"Well, they don't call me a genius for nothing, do they? Now let's go catch ourselves a pig"

"Oh Jack? One more thing"

"What?"

"Kiss me"


	5. Kids

"Mum_my_! Sam and Eric stole my spear and are using it to make fire!"

"Well stop them then, Tom! For goodness sake Jack, they're _your_ kids too you know. It's about time you put your foot down"

"You're too soft on them Ralph, just smack 'em on the arse and threaten to leave them to the beast. _That'll_ scare them"

"What are you, an _animal_? You can't hit your kids!"

"But they're not ours, are they?"

"But still, we're responsible for them now. And anyway, that beast palaver is getting out of hand. Only yesterday SamnEric scared Percival half to death by jumping out at him and making wolf noises. It's all your fault Jack, making them think there is actually something out there. Honestly, you're so irresponsible! These kids are a lot of work you know, they may look like angels but they're not-"

"Don't start ranting again Ralphy, it'll give you frown lines"

"I'll give you frown lines!"

"Hey, domestic violence! Stop hitting me, okay I'm sorry, cut it out will you?"

"You should be sorry. You're lucky to have me. You better clean up your act after we're married"

"To hear is to obey, my dear Ralph. Okay you lot, who fancies a spot of fishing? Your mother needs a rest"


	6. Commitment issues

"You're getting _what_?"

"Ugh. For the last time Simon, me and Jack are getting _married_"

"Married? That's wonderful! Can I be the matron of honour?"

"Um…yeah, if you want…"

"It's a good thing you came to me. I'm an expert on weddings!"

"We'd just like to keep it small"

"What are the others doing?"

"Well, Piggy is the preist, Roger's the best man, SamnEric are the ringbearers and the little uns are just going to throw flowers or something"

"Oooh, this is going to be brilliant! Don't worry Ralph, leave it all to me. I'll make sure this is a wedding you'll never forget!"

"Yep. That's what I'm afraid of"

"So when did he propose?"

"The other day. I don't know Simon, I have a feeling I'm leaping into it too quickly. I mean, he's difficult enough when he's my boyfriend. Imagine what he'd be like as my _husband_. I mean, I know he's lazy, ungrateful, self centred and tried to turn everyone on this island against me but he's also kind and loving when he wants to be and besides, he has a nice chest. Plus, the little ones could use a proper dad seeing as the grown ups are taking their time to rescue us. Honestly, what are men like? Rude, slobbish and unreliable, all of them. Are you listening to me?"

"Erm, yeah of course. Totally agree. Anywho, what are you wearing for the wedding?"

"...I never thought of that"

"Brace yourself. It's time to call in the experts"

"Experts?"

"SamnEric of course"


	7. Decisions

"Who is that? Who goes there?"

"Relax Jack, it's just me"

"Oh…what do _you_ want Fatty?"

"It's _Piggy_, and I just wanted to talk to you"

"What about?"

"About you and Ralph"

"If you've come to lecture me-"

"No, I've just come to say I'm happy for you both"

"Really? Cos when you found out we were together, you were disgusted"

"Can you really blame me? You tried to make everyone hate him. You tried to _banish_ us"

"I only did that because…"

"Because what?"

"…because I didn't want anyone to know that I cared"

"You're too proud for your own good Jack"

"Can you blame me? I'm head of the choir"

"That doesn't give you an excuse to be a complete prat all the time"

"So you _did_ come to lecture me? Just leave me alone Fatty, I want nothing to do with you. As soon as Ralph and I are married, we're getting out of this dump. We're going to go to another part of the island where no one can find us. Cos then we'll get a bit of peace. God, I _hate_ this island. Whenever I want to take Ralph aside and tell him how much I love him, a little un will start whining or Simon will come bouncing over and start talking none stop about Roger. We don't get a minute to ourselves and that's not fair because I have so much to say to him but I can never get it out and then he thinks I unappreciate him. Which is bloody rubbish because I _do_ appreciate him. Maybe I should just forget about this altogether. So congratulations Fatty, you win. I'm mad wanting to get married, what _was_ I thinking? Ralph would probably get sick of me before the honeymoon anyway. And another thing-!"

"You're beginning to sound like Ralph, ranting like that"

"…oh God, I want to go _home_"

"Jack? Look, don't start crying. For goodness sake, you're the head of the choir remember? What would the little un's think if they saw you like this?"

"I don't care. I _hate_ this island. I want to go home. I want my mum, I want my dad, I want _Ralph_"

"Well seeing as you know what you want, you might as well go and get it"

"…do you think?"

"Do you love Ralph?"

"Yes"

"Do you want to be with Ralph?"

"Of course I do-"

"Then you have nothing to worry about, do you? I'll tell the little un's to keep the fire alight during the ceremony and who knows? A plane or a boat might come by. So quit crying and start getting your act together. Ralph won't hang around forever"

"You really think I should go for it?'

"I know you should. It's what both of you want"

"Yeah, I guess it is. Thanks Fat- I mean, Piggy…"


	8. Nerves

"So, what do you think?"

"Wow Simon…it's actually alright"

"See? I told you SamnEric would be able to patch up your old shirt. It looks almost new"

"Yeah, almost…"

"What's wrong Ralph? You're a million miles away"

"Sorry, it's just…I'm nervous"

"About the wedding?"

"Yeah but also about what happens afterwards. What if we get rescued? What will my _parents_ say?"

"You could always not tell them"

"They'd figure it out sooner or later. And it's going to be awkward enough, seeing as I haven't seen them for months"

"Well, you shouldn't dwell on what _might_ happen. You need to focus on what's happening now"

"I know that but…oh Simon, I don't know what to _do_"

"Ralph? Oh Ralph, don't. Don't cry, come here. Ssh, it'll be alright"

"_Why_ am I with him Simon? After all he's done. He made me feel like a total outcast the first time we met, he tried to convince the little one's that I was the enemy and then he suddenly announces that he loves me and leaves me all hurt and confused. And then he_ proposes_ to me when we've only been together a month. Here I am, a few days away from what's meant to be the best day of my life and I'm feeling like _this_. I _hate_ this island, it's driving me mad. There's no decent food, no decent lavatories and no decent men. Bloody hell, sometimes I wish I would just drop down and die!"

"That's it Ralph, have a good rant. Let it all out baby"

"I mean, I sometimes wonder why I bother! I hate relationships! I _hate_, _hate_, _hate_ them! Sometime I wish I can just find the person who created relationships and…grr!"

"Are you done?"

"…I think so…"

"Do you still feel nervous?"

"A little"

"Don't worry. Everyone feels like that before they tie the knot. Trust me. You're doing the right thing"

"You're right Simon. What was I thinking? Jack may be a prat sometimes but I love him. God, I love him…"


	9. Advice

"Hey Jack"

"Oh, hi Roger. What's up?"

"I need some advice"

"Advice? About what?"

"About Simon"

"Okay. Why do you need advice about Simon?"

"Well….I really like him…"

"Yeah…"

"…and I think he likes me too"

"Okay"

"And I want to ask him if he wants to….you _know_"

"Yeah, I know. Well, why don't you just tell him how you feel?"

"I can't do that!"

"Sure you can. I told Ralph and look where _we_ are. We're getting married in two days"

"Yeah, about the marriage thing…why are you getting married anyway? You're just kids"

"It's like this Roge. We're all like a family, right? We do everything together in order to survive. And what do you need to sustain a family? A mum and dad. Two people to get the food, keep everything hygenic and keep the little ones in line. And what do parents have to be? Married. I'm crazy about Ralph, you know that Roger, but for all we know we're going to be stuck on this bloody island for the rest of our lives so the little un's need a proper mum and dad. And, well…marrying Ralph sort of makes it official, do you get what I mean?"

"I guess…but, do you also want to marry him because you love him?"

'Well yes, of course. I wouldn't marry him if I couldn't stand him would I?"

"We've all grown up too quickly on this island"

"We have to if we want to last long"

"So I should just have it out with Simon and see what he says?"

"The worst thing he can do is reject you"

"That's what I'm afraid of"


	10. Pets

"No"

"Come_ on_ Ralph, it's not going to hurt anybody!"

"For the last time Sam, I am _not_ having a _lemur_ in the house! Now put it back where you found it"

"I promise I'll take care of it. It can sleep on my side of the cave!"

"_No_"

"Mum_my_..."

"I said no, and that's the end of it. Now don't you _dare_ start crying. Lemur's are wild animals and they belong outside. I didn't even know there _were_ lemurs on this island"

"If I'm not mistaken, lemur's are only found in Madagascar"

"Yes, thank you for your input Piggy. But you're still not keeping it Sam"

"_Daddy_ would let me keep it"

"Jack has no say in this. Do you remember the time he let you bring home that piglet? That sow was after us for two days straight until you gave it back!"

"I still don't understand why we didn't just kill the sow"

"That's beside the point! Look, go back into the forest, put the lemur back and we'll say nothing more about it"

"…no"

"...Sam, put the lemur back"

"Don't want to"

"_Sam_, I am counting to three"

"…"

"1….2…"

"_Please_ Ralph! It's only a little lemur and it has no family and it was cold and hungry and followed me home and I can't let it go otherwise it'll get eaten by pigs and then it'll be all my fault and I'll feel like a murderer so _please_ can I keep it? Please, please, please, please _please_!"

"Look, stop crying Sam! You'll spoil your war paint! _Alright_! You can keep the bloody lemur! Just don't let it anywhere near the firewood!"

"Thank you Ralph! I promise, it'll be the best pet ever! Just wait until I show Eric!"

"Jack's right you know Ralph. You _are_ too soft on them"

"Not another word Piggy…"


	11. Confessions

"Simon?"

"Oh…hi Roger"

"Are you busy?"

"No I'm just…making something for the wedding tomorrow"

"What is it?"

"A bouquet"

"A bouquet?"

"It's a bunch of flowers that the bride – or in this case _Ralph_ – carries. Then they throw it and whoever catches it gets married next"

"Oh I see…maybe you'll catch it"

"Ha, _me_? Get married? No one would have me"

"That's not true. I…I mean…I find you very…um"

"Are you okay Roger. Your cheeks are hot"

"…I'm fine...has anyone ever told you that you have very soft hands?"

"...you were saying?"

"Um…well…we've known each other a long time Simon"

"Since year one"

"Yeah…and well, I've always…admired you"

"_Admired_ me?"

"Yeah, you have a great voice and nice…hair"

"Oh well…thanks"

"And there's something about you that really appeals to me"

"What's that?"

"Your…eyes"

"My eyes? W-what about them?"

"They're…luminous…"

"You really think so?"

"Yeah…"

"…was there anything else?"

"Erm, yeah actually. Simon, you…"

"…I?"

"You…you look lovely tonight"

"…oh…thanks…is that all?"

"…yeah, that's all"

"Okay…goodnight"

"Night"

* * *

><p>"I'm telling you, Ralph will prefer <em>my<em> gift Sam"

"No he won't, he'll prefer _my_ gift Eric. Hey Roger. What's wrong? You look sad"

"I don't want to talk about it..."


	12. Superstitions

"Well, today's the day Maurice"

"Yeah, never thought the chief would ever get married. Especially not to Ralph. Did _you_ Robert?"

"Nah, didn't see that coming"

"So what will we call Ralph now…the chief's wife?"

"Yeah, I guess"

"Kind of pretty isn't he? Wouldn't mind one like that myself"

"Yeah, Jack's a lucky guy. Remind me Maurice, why are we guarding the cave again?"

"Jack says we have to protect the bride"

"The bride?"

"Ralph, Robert. We have to protect Ralph"

"_Oh_, Ralph…wait, _protect_ him? From what?"

"Oh, a pig or something"

"Ah, I see. A lot of work, this wedding thing. I don't know Maurice, you ever thought of getting married?"

"No, but I know that if I did, I'd go for that little cute one…Johnny I think his name is"

"Oh yeah, he's cute. I don't know…I like those twins myself"

"Whoa, a double hit. Steady on Robert, you're only thirteen"

"Lay off, I was only suggesting. Anyway, marriage isn't really my area. I mean, look at Jack. He has to take care of those little uns now"

"Yeah, he's got some guts that kid"

"Anyway, I'm needed at the 'altar'. Old Piggy's having trouble with the 'Justice of the peace' or whatever it's called. Do you mind holding the fort for me?"

"No worries mate, see you at the ceremony"

* * *

><p>"Ralph…psst.<em> Ralph<em>"

"_Jack_? What are you _doing_ here; you know its bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other before the wedding!"

"Honestly Ralph, you really believe in that old wives' tale?"

"Yes I do, and you should as well. How did you get past Maurice and Robert?"

"They had some other business to attend to. And I'm chief, remember? They always listen to me. Stop worrying, there's no harm in me just saying hello"

"Speak for yourself. I want to make sure I make it through today without breaking a leg, thank you very much"

"Forever the drama queen, aren't you Ralph?"

"_Drama_ Queen? What's _that_ supposed to mean? You take that back Merridew otherwise I'll-mmrph"

"There…that's better isn't it?"

"…Jack…kissing people whilst they're in mid sentence is very rude…"

"Well you better get used to it once we're married sweetie. You look stunning by the way"

"I'm wearing my old shirt Jack; I've been wearing it since the day we first arrived on this island. SamnEric just patched it up a little"

"I know but it still looks nice"

"You honestly think so?"

"Yeah…Ralph, you do know why I'm marrying you don't you?"

"Of course. Because the chief having a wife is good for the tribe and it'll give a proper mother to the little ones-"

"Not just that. I'm marrying you because I love you Ralph"

"I know you do"

"And do you love me?"

"Of course, why else would I put up with you?"

"Ha ha, very funny"

"Indeed. Now you better get yourself down to that altar, the wedding starts soon"

"Altar, what altar?"

"The beach Jack, the beach"

"Oh I see. Right, how do I look?"

"Like a chief. Now hurry up, Simon and Roger will be waiting for you! And if you see a pig along the way, you better leave it alone otherwise I will kill you!"

"I love you too honey!"


	13. Confessions part 2

"…Simon?"

"Roger? What are you doing here; you should be helping Jack get ready. You're the _best man_, remember?"

"I know, I know…but…I couldn't keep away"

"Keep away, what are you-?"

"It's _you_ Simon; I can't keep away from _you_. I-I mean, I think about you every minute of the day. I think your eyes are wonderful, I just want to kiss those lips of yours and I always wander how you get your hair to smell of mangos and rain water. I used to watch you build shelters with Ralph and all the while I was dying to tell you how I felt about you but I could never find the words. Then things got even more awkward with all that stuff about Ralph and him falling out with Jack and whatever, but I still liked you Simon, even when the tribe split and I went off with Jack and you went off with Piggy and Ralph, I was still crazy about you. And now, I am five minutes away from giving your friend away and I just thought I should get this off my chest before I blew my top"

"…you used to watch me build shelters? That's kind of creepy Roger…"

"_Simon_! Didn't you hear a word I just said?"

"Yes, I heard you"

"So that's it? That's all you have to say? I should have known you'd just throw it back in my face. This isn't easy for me you know, being Jack's second hand man and all. I'm practically the second chief! Ha, look at that Simon. A tear. The second chief is crying over something as stupid as love. Well if that's how it's going to be, then fine. If anyone wants me, I'll be on the edge of the cliff"

"Roger?"

"What now…? Was that-?"

"A kiss. I believe it was"

"But…but…"

"You talk too much, do you know that? Honestly, ranting has become an everyday thing on this island. Now you go and help Jack with his war paint. We can't have the chief looking like a pansy at his own wedding!"


	14. Weddings

"Do you, Ralph Finnegan, take Jack Merridew to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do"

"And do you, Jack Merridew, take Ralph Finnegan to be your lawfully wedded wi- erm, you know?"

"I do"

"Then I now pronounce you, husband and erm wife"

"Good idea of yours Ralph, making Piggy the priest"

"Well, he was the only one who knew the words off by heart"

"You may kiss the bride"

"You heard him Jack. Now come and get me tiger!"

* * *

><p>"That was an incredible wedding, don't you think Roge?"<p>

"You said it Simon"

"I mean, where did the little un's get all those flower petals from? There were thousands of them"

"It's a shame Sam's lemur ate that papaya that I was going to give them as a wedding gift"

"Don't worry Roger; I'm sure they'll live without one. I still can't believe I caught the bouquet though"

"See, I told you so…Simon?"

"Yes Roger?"

"…ever thought about getting married?"


	15. Affection

"Eeew, it looks like they're _eating_ each other!"

"Yuck! What are they doing with their _tongues_?"

"Why is daddy on top of mummy?"

"What are they _doing_?"

"Oh lay off you lot, your father and I are just smooching"

"What does _smooching_ mean?"

"It's what couples do when they've just got married, isn't that right Ralph?"

"Urgh, it looks _horrible_. I hope _I_ never get married"

"If you're not careful Percival, the beast might just jump out and get you. Aha, see? That got them running"

"That was a dirty trick Jack"

"Yeah but it gave us some alone time, didn't it? Get used to it darling, we have a lot of work to do before our honeymoon. We need to train the kids to be able to hunt by themselves otherwise they'll never last whilst we're gone"

"Where _are_ we going Jack?"

"I don't know yet, but I'll make sure it's somewhere peaceful"

"Did you hear about Simon and Roger?"

"No, what about them?"

"They're official now"

"No way"

"Yes way. Simon is on cloud nine. You should have seen him this morning, bouncing around and singing; 'Have I told you lately that I love you?'"

"Oh dear, poor Roger"

"Anyway, I'm happy for them"

"So am I. Hey, maybe we can give them half the kids"

"Jack!"

"_Joke_, it was a joke Ralph"


	16. Appearances

"Do I _have_ to wear this Jack?"

"Of course you do. You're the chief's wife remember, so you have to wear the same war paint as me"

"I feel an idiot"

"You look gorgeous. Now give me a smile. That's it. Perfect. Oh, and don't forget this"

"What is it?"

"It's a necklace I made. It's a symbol that you belong to me"

"Ahem…"

"I mean, that you and I are deeply in love and other males better keep away"

"That's better"

"Do you like the feather? I was halfway through killing a wild bird and then I thought of you"

"Charming"

"There you are. You look great. Now all you need is…ah, he we are. Your own spear. Just wait till Piggy and Simon see you like this!"

"I can't wait…"


	17. Honeymoons

"Mummy! Daddy! Wake up! Wake _up_!"

"Mmmm…what is it Sam – get that bloody lemur out of my face, what's wrong?"

"A boat Jack! There's a boat! It just pulled up onto the beach!"

"A boat? Did you hear that Ralph, a boat! We're saved!"

"A _boat_? Where?"

"On the beach, Sam just said. Come on!"

* * *

><p>"I'm Captain Smith; I hope our presence hasn't alarmed you. We saw your fire from the distance and thought you might need a lift home"<p>

"You certainly took your time!"

"Jack! Thank you captain, we really appreciate it"

"You're welcome. Mr…"

"Ralph Merridew. He's my wife"

"_Jack_!"

"Wife eh? Ha, well you don't see that everyday. I'll give you some time to gather up the little ones and then we can get going"

"Alright, is everyone here Maurice?"

"Everyone's here Jack"

"Good, good. Why's Sam crying Ralph?"

"He had to say goodbye to his pet. I told him that England was no place for a lemur. There, there Sam, I understand. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. Look on the bright side; at least now you don't have to feed it anymore"

"Alright, everyone's present and correct. So what do you say Ralph? Fancy going home?"

"Hmm, what do _you_ say Jack?"

"What do _I_ say? I say we all get our arses back to England as fast as possible. This is going to be the best honeymoon ever!"


End file.
